Fannish fun

Fast Forward Count: 3.5


So Kurt and Mercedes are on the cheerleading squad now. Initially tolerant of Mercedes' wearing of the male uniform (meaning pants), Sue is now no longer willing to tolerate deviation from the gender norms. Mercedes doesn't feel comfortable in the Cheerios skirts and Kurt tells her she shouldn't feel embarrassed about her body. Au contraire, Kurt. It turns out that Mercedes is concerned that revealing that much of her lovely skin will incite a sex riot. Kurt approves of this attitude he and Mercedes share a gleeful spirit-fingers-inspired high five that segues into a hair primp.

You two are so adorable I just wanna squeeze you. Sue wonders how they don't have a show on Bravo.

I also really hope that Mercedes' attitude is genuine rather than just a cover for insecurity. And that she emerges from what is about to come alive and intact. Because with this intro? I am now aware of what this episode will entail: Sue making Mercedes feel like crap about her body, (more) fat-phobia, and self-hatred. All topics I love ever so much. *whimper*

So Sue gives Mercedes one week to lose 10 pounds and accept the girl's cheerleading uniform or else she is off the team so she doesn't make Sue look like a loser in a magazine spread. Kurt, like me, is horrified. Sue informs him that he, too, could stand to lose a few pounds as well thanks to his pear-hips. I am going to embellish on Kurt's response here: Are you fucking serious? Both Kurt and Mercedes look appropriately crushed chagrined.

In continuing in her reign of terror, Sue has padlocked the auditorium and is keeping the heretofore-unheard-of sign up sheet hostage in her pants for safekeeping. She has claimed all of the time slots for the next week for the Cheerios. I hope the team enjoys catching catnaps with an armrest digging into their backs and eating nothing but the gum stuck to the bottom of the seats. Sue also admits her blackmail scheme when Will threatens to go to Figgins.

Will breaks the news to the glee club. They suggest torching the place, which is a very Sue Sylvester tactic, I feel. Will suggests giving him time to come up with another option. Buzzkill.

Kurt corners his sweetheart Finn for decorating input. Oh Kurt, I think Finn's only contribution is likely to be suggesting more room on the walls for Sports Illustrated model posters. Finn points at one of Kurt's color schemes at random and Kurt says words about fabric that I don't understand and don't want to bother looking up. Finn hesitates and chooses the better part of valor: walking away. Yeah. I'm with you there, dude. Kurt looks self-satisfied for reasons beyond my grasp and possibly even does a little plie thing.

Mercedes fills her lunch tray with a plain chicken breast, a few veggies, and a salad with dressing on the side. Kurt walks up to chastise her nastily on her choices, pointing out his own lunch of celery stalks (what school offers the entire, intact stalk as an option?) and the fact that he had nothing but Splenda for breakfast. NO KURT! DON'T TURN TO THE DARK SIDE! Don't you dare enable this you-

...

Oh. Ya know what, guys? I think I was just hit by the clue-by-four. Kurt is swayed by the age-old football players + cheerleaders = Together 4 EVAR! equation. I think he assumes that being on the Cheerios now gives him a giant edge with Finn and doesn't want to lose this opportunity. Even if it means apparently selling out Mercedes to do it. This is going to be horrifying, isn't it?

So an increasingly worried Mercedes asks Britt and Santana how they manage to maintain their svelte figures. In perfect infomercial fashion they both hold up their bright red water bottles and share the secret: the Sue Sylvester Cleanse. We cut to a scene of Sue grossing me out by telling me what's in it: water, maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper, and ipecac syrup. Sounds delish, doesn't it? How are the Cheerios still alive with this woman in charge? Are they simply too afraid to die?

A sad-faced Quinn looks on as Mercedes abandons her tray in the cafeteria.

Finn watches with consternation as movers take his family's old furniture out the front door. His mom is apparently selling all their old furniture in a ″reinvent your life″ flurry, along with buying new clothing, getting a new haircut, and actually smiling and looking happy. SUPPORT YOUR MOTHER, FINN. Cling to the chair, fine, I support that (and one look in my disorganized spare bedroom will tell you that sentimentality reigns supreme within my heart as well), but support your mother's new happiness! Even if that new happiness is due to dating a new man.

Specifically Burt Hummel.

OH MY GOD I SO CALLED THAT!!! Hmmm, this will add an interesting (by which I mean weird) twist to Kurt's crush.

Will is off in search of a new place for the glee club to rehearse. He heads to a roller rink and who does he run into? Kristin Chenoweth! She's back! And she did not, in fact, sober up as previously suggested by Will in the last episode she was in. Instead, she's the mistress of a wealthy strip-mall entrepreneur and the owner of her own disco roller rink cabaret thingie. And she seems pretty thrilled with herself, in fact. Power to you, KC. She's also nice and agrees to let Will and the kids borrow her digs for a bit for practices. And then hits on Will when she hears about his divorce. Will appears not entirely enthused.

Sue is conducting a mid-week weigh-on of her squad. Becky has lost two pounds and Sue is creepily impressed and yakking about hiding upchuck in linen closets. Yeah. I know. Mercedes has gained two pounds. Sue reinforces her threat.

Finn panic-accosts Kurt in the hallway asking how on earth their parents met. Completely by accident on parent-teacher conference night last month. And then we cut to a scene where Kurt nearly literally throws them together, even commenting on their shared pain of widowhood.

This is gonna be so, so bad.

Omg, this is horrifying to watch, guys. Kurt is planning the decor for their shared bedroom for when their parents move in together and it is seriously creeping me out. And what is it with this show and people being all stalker-y and disturbing about their crushes? Terri&Will, Ken&Emma, Rachel&Finn, Quinn&Finn, Kurt&Finn, Sandy&JoshGroban... YOU ARE ALL INAPPROPRIATE AND DISTRESSING TO ME! And why do so many of those pairing include freaking Finn?

I don't know how the rest of the hallway conversation goes because I gave in to the lure of The Button and fast-forwarded through the rest of it.

Kurt continues to distress me into the next scene (where Will drops the roller rink bomb on the club), so I employ The Button a second time and have no idea what he's telling everyone. He has music in his hand though, so I imagine a musical number is imminent. Look, I tried to watch the musical number and stopped the FF just in time for Kurt to croon to a constipated-looking Finn and I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure if that counts as a 3rd use of The Button. Perhaps 2.5?

Kristin Chenoweth shows up to Will's apartment to see the place (he is trying to sublet it) with an overnight bag in tow. Will was not expecting the apparent booty-call (dude, Will, where you ever listening earlier?) and tells her he's uncomfortable with it. She says she's just lonely and wants to be near someone. Will agrees, but banishes her to the couch and tells her the liquor cabinet is off limits. She agrees, pops a CD in, and they begin a duet. And he tucks her in? What? And then she crawls in bed with him in a very chaste manner, just curling up on the other side of the bed from him, though they do begin to gravitate towards each other. I'm also noticing that Will has switched to sleeping on Terri's side of the bed. Hmmm.

You would think Will's neighbors would have started to complain about the caterwauling, wouldn't you?

And Kurt proposes a toast to celebrate the first joint Hudson-Hummel dinner date. Burt's drinking beer, Finn's mom (Carol?) is drinking wine, Kurt has something pink with an umbrella, and Finn has what looks like cola. Oh Kuuuuurt, are you sure that's allowed on your Splenda-and-celery Cheerios diet? Anyways, I'm still in agony over here, so I don't even wait to hear the toast. The Button and I are becoming very close the episode.

Oooh, so Burt and Finn are bonding and Kurt is looking distinctly worried. Oh Kurt, you didn't think this through, did you? Your scheming just may backfire. And Kurt tries to redirect the conversation to topics he prefers, completely cutting off Burt & Finn. Oh god, come on people. I want to like Kurt and this episode is making it very, very hard.

Later on, Kurt angrily rips color swatches off the walls of his bedroom as his dad figures out that he is hurt and jealous about the football talk with Finn. Kurt asks him to try and remember the last time he (Burt) was so engaged in a conversation with him (Kurt). There are too many different he's in this sentence. Kurt thinks that Finn has turned out to be the son that Burt has always wanted... rather than the Kurt that Burt got.

Awww, Kurt, no. He looks genuinely crushed here. And it only worsens when Burt tells Kurt not to feel threatened when he finally gets to indulge in some ″guy talk″ with another kid. Kurt has to point out to Burt that he is, in fact, a guy.

And then he tells his dad that clearly it is too soon for him to start dating again. Awww, shit, Kurt. Just when I start sympathizing with you you go and dial the pretentiousness and disdain up to a million and I want to smack you again. Burt points out that Kurt's earlier explanation for setting him and Carol up was that he wanted Burt to be happy. I think Burt is seeing through that bullshit.

FINN AND KURT! YOU BOTH NEED TO GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER, BUCK UP, AND BE HAPPY FOR YOUR PARENTS! They actually look happy around each other. Smiling and everything. Suck it up and deal.

School: Tina offers Mercedes half a peppermint patty. Mercedes freaks out at her and Artie and then begins hallucinating everyone turning into foods. Tina is an ice cream cone, Artie a piece of cake, Jesse is a burger, and Rachel is a cupcake. And then Mercedes realizes that something is very wrong and promptly passes out from hunger/dehydration.

Mercedes is looking slightly less unconscious later in the nurse's office. Her mother is on the way, the nurse assures her, and goes to grab her some ginger ale. At my school, it was crackers. The primary treatment for anything was generally crackers. Anyways, the nurse walks away revealing.... Quinn. And Quinn knows exactly what is going on, having been in Mercedes' shoes herself. I am goggling a bit at Quinn's kindness (even though the show built up to this a bit, so it isn't precisely a shock) and Mercedes calls Quinn out on it, noting that they aren't exactly typically friendly with each other. Quinn has been there, she tells Mercedes, and has even managed to learn a few things along the way.

Quinn: ″You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Miss Sylvester take that away from you.″ Mercedes wonders how she got to this crappy place she finds herself in and Quinn smiles at her and tells her she's beautiful. And that she'll stay with Mercedes until her mom arrives.

Awww. You guys! We finally get a heartwarming scene! Yay! Quincedes!

Cut to the roller rink. Will tells Kristin Chenoweth that it isn't working out. Apparently Kristin kicks in her sleep. Heh. Anyways, we are once again treated to Will's inspiring and thought-provoking speech about being true to yourself and finding out where you really want to be and a bunch of other condescending crap to try and make her turn her life around again, only this time not end up in a bar.

And I think Will just lost himself a practice space. Way to go, Schue.

And now Kurt approaches Finn in the McKinley hallways to join forces and form a dastardly plot to break up their parents. You shits. Finn does exhibit a hint of perception, however, revealing that he noticed Kurt's hurt about feeling left out of the conversation with Burt.

Apparently Finn's method of enacting their plot is to threaten to flush his father's ashes down the toilet.

...Oh for fuck's sake.

But his mother turns it around on him immediately because she is not an idiot, nor slave to teenage mega-angst.

Wait, so the moving in with each other is an actual thing they are doing? Really? Not just a love/lust-induced dream from Kurt's fevered mind? What? After a month?

And now it's time for Sue's interview (with a distinctly unimpressed-appearing reporter) and the Cheerio's show. And Mercedes throws a kink into Sue's works (wait, that sounded way dirtier than was intended) by taking the mic and addressing the school. And I love that we get a little building upon the budding Quincedes friendship from earlier with Quinn being the first to respond to Mercedes' calls for people to acknowledge their feelings of inadequacy, fear, shame, etc. Many, many, many people in the school also acknowledge those feelings. Mercedes is hitting home with a lot of people. Hey Kurt! I saw your face there! I hope you're listening!

Wait... Did Mercedes really get the entire cheerleading squad in on a plot to change the rally show? Or was ″Beautiful″ always the intended song? And they are all singing? Whoa. Sue is going to blow a gasket. And possibly firebomb Mercedes' house. And now the rest of Glee is joining them in song. And what looks like a lot of the school is at least swaying along.

Awww, you guys! Kurt sought out Mercedes, thanked her, and admitted that she was right. HUG TIME NAO! Okay, Kurt. You are redeeming yourself somewhat in my eyes. Keep in mind that these eyes are watching Glee right now, so take it with a grain of salt because I am learning to tolerate a hell of a lot more bullshit in the Gleeverse than I would anywhere else. But still.

Sue's office the next day: the reporter is telling Sue that prior to the pep rally, he'd hated her and thought she was dirt. He intended to write a piece exposing her for the evil bitch that she is. But the performance that he viewed changed his mind. He is impressed and feels that he may have misjudged her. She is a visionary. And then Sue plays along with it, and it is creepy. Does this mean she's going to let the Cheerio's out of her basement dungeon now?

Kurt and Burt meet up Chez Hudson. They need to have words. Burt goes first, and he is sweet and inspiring and I kinda want to marry him myself. And he apparently says exactly what he needs to win Finn over. It has already been established that they speak the same language. Finn invites him to watch the game. And Finn offers Burt his dad's chair. (!) And they bond over the game as Kurt watches through the sliding door looking devastated. Aww, woobie. Also, what are you doing staring through windows at other peoples' houses? Did you follow your dad?

Will and Kristin Chenoweth are talking. She took his advice, went to her sugar daddy, and demanded that he leave his wife and marry her. And apparently, in doing so, induced a stroke. And the wife paid Kristin Chenoweth off (to the tune of two million dollars) to zip her lips. And she bought them an the auditorium. Awww, Kristin. You think of the best gifts. And then she belts out a song with the glee club backing her up, and KC has the sharpest cheekbones I have ever seen.

Okay, the the episodes over. When will the fallout occur? I'm afraid.

Also, did you notice? There was almost no Rachel and Jesse in this episode! I am shocked! I am also saddened that there was very little Tina, Artie, Santana, Brittany...